One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.