One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
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*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Van Gone
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.