One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.