one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.