one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.