one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Aight bet
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.