One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too