One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.