One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.