One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
when there are deer in the woods
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.