Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Dietest Coke

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

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scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little