One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
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Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.