one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.