Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated