one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
*looks at you in batman voice*
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”![]()
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course