One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
The two types of wives
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My current situation
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*