One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Cop lights are so pretty at night
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
