One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
when dads have a rap battle
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?