One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
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me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Meeeee too!
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?