One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
we did it you guys we saved daylight
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.