One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*ernest hemingway voice*
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
BETRAYAL
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Breaking news:
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.