One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.