One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I love it
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family