One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Personal question. #JustSaying
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.