One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Bruh PLEASE
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value