One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
how it started vs how it ended
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.