One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
the Monday after daylight savings
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
