Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that