One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*cough*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.