One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.