One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Best seat on the street 😍
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.