Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?