one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
😲 WTF? 😆
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My neck my back my allergy attack
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.