one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
For those that worship cheese..
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Weirdly Wednesday.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
This is the best one I’ve seen
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit