Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

The future is now.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho