One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Lucky old June.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.