One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
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How dude HOW?!
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Split the bill
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now