One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.