One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
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It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right