Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

#merica

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.