One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
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Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
when you are just born a rebel
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin