One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.