Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Meanwhile in Portland…

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada