One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
You have been warned.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.