One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
I love art.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit