One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
#catsoftwitter
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Have kids, they said
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
life finds a way
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework