one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”