One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Friends that check up on you >
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it