One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.