One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
