Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Smells like a challenge to me

San Francisco has too many rules

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

💀🤣

These are too funny not to post 😂

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.