Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.