Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

My love language is hissing.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

*gets down on one knee*