one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
wut hotdog?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
i baked you a cake
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
