one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
