one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
