One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
You Might Also Like
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon