One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
girls literally only want one thing..
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach