Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.