One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
