One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
