One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
