One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Rare photo of two submarines racing
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em