Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit