one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor