one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough