one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
(by @ZachWeiner )
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?