one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

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Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.


Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.


Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…


At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.


The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me


What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”


Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.


O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂


running feels great unless you compare it to not running


-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-Say it
-I want u to say it
-Say it