one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The pasta is now
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.