one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas