Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒