One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”