One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house