Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?