One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
What about a To-Don’t List?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.