One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Somebody’s lying.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one